Dan does not go hiking often. Ask him to join you on that morning jaunt, and his face quickly puckers, reaching for an excuse that sits somewhere between dry wall and flush valves. Come again? But such is Dan. To understand what he’s saying, you not only need to have a comfortable command of the home improvement lexicon, but also an ear that can translate Cold War Era-type garbled messages – his grumbling – into natural language.
But on the rare occasion that he says “hyueah” (translation: yeah) to you, you are in for a real treat. You see, Dan is the most adept, non-adept hiker I know. Let me explain. While he may not have Thuy’s unrelenting, “I’m out to get ya” type of competitive spirit, or Nhi Trung’s considerable on-the-field experience, he does have a sort of cavalier regard for the risks and dangers of the trail that gives him a ridiculous psychological advantage. In other words, while our progress is being stalled by our careful evaluation of obstacles that come our way, Dan is already well ahead of the pack, having boldly forged ahead. On the trail, as in life, Dan does not let the debilitating mental condition of “too many mind” impede him.
Some other advantages that Dan possesses that may have escaped your myopic observational patterns are his hide-like skin and his ability to camouflage by staying deathly still.
I was a first-hand witness to the first in India. You see, while I layered up and applied copious amounts of insect repellant on me; Dan, sleeping nearby with nothing on but his boxers, tempting the mosquitoes with an almost uninterrupted buffet of glistening flesh; not only escaped that entire trip unscathed, but even seemed to drive the mosquitoes towards me, as they feasted on my blood till kingdom come! I can only conclude that Dan’s outer skin is so tough, it naturally repels, and is inhospitable to, most pests.
His ability to camouflage, to blend in, by staying deathly still, is also an invaluable asset in his arsenal. Recall the last time you were talking to him and his attention slowly retreated, further and further, until at last it has vanished altogether, leaving nothing but a shell. Now imagine that sort of ability consciously applied on the trail. In his best moments, his ability to force a flat-line EKG allows him to blend seamlessly with his surroundings, to disappear entirely.
But this is only the tip of the iceberg. To add to what is already an impressive resume, Dan can also swim like a dolphin, squeeze through rocks like a weasel, go into hibernation mode for weeks (with an uncanny timing to coincide with major game launches), and talk to animals.
That last part reveals the secret behind his mumbling. While most would be quick to assume a speech impediment or a lack of interest in the conversation at hand, it really is because Dan has co-opted various audible streams across different wavelengths and different languages to enable him to speak to man, beast, and plant simultaneously. So the next time you talk to him, understand that he is talking as much to you, as he is to that motionless tree.
So there you have it. Dan does not go hiking often, but when he does, nature lets out an impish little shriek. If I were in Dan’s way, I would too.
- Steven Dang
